Bodies Hit the Floor

From the day I was born, my grandmother went out of her way not to walk through the living room. After witnessing my delivery from the open space of a designated area, peering through the foggy window of my mother’s hospital room and clutching her carton of Pall Malls close to her chest, she finally decided that she was fed up with fresh air and family life, and retreated back to her garage in the heart of Kentucky.

There, she spent most of her waking life, chain-smoking cheap cigarettes and effortlessly chugging six-pack beers, all the while thinking that the tar-coated walls would certainly collapse before she would ever feel the extent of her decay. As she listened to her favorite talk show on her hand-held radio, we drew pictures on the walls with colored chalk, hiding the layers of dirt beneath them and holding our breath.

On occasion, she would sober up for long enough to cook a decent meal- familiar but still impressive, from meticulous recipes that she had stored in her head. The entire family would join her in the kitchen, always ignoring the perfectly suitable hardwood table in the room next door.

Dinner would be served on her 30-year-old china and a fold-out card table. When we would laugh, because we could find humor in the little things, my grandmother would entertain us at times with a lowered smirk, and that would give us some satisfaction. But when we disagreed, she would interrupt with a monotone, “Well, anyway,” and we would continue clanking our forks up against the second-rate kitchenware. My grandmother never had anything really to say, except when she thought we deserved it. Then she would pick us apart with her words- one by one- but would always neglect the full plate of food in front of her. And she wouldn’t stop until her remains turned cold and she had ordered us off to bed, if she had not already locked herself back up in the garage, her safe-haven, alone.

With hopes to win over her love, I would sometimes hide variety-pack plastic bugs along the path between her permanent lawn chair and the bathroom down the hallway. But instead, I would only win her terrified scream and a long, lonely stay in the corner of the room. On my ninth birthday, I made a list of what I wanted most. When my grandmother asked me for my number one, I said, “For you to quit smoking. Just for me,” but she told me that was something that she just couldn’t do.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t shed a tear when her beloved vice offered her cancer and only 6 months to live. That’s also why, 10 minutes after she died, we were all laughing as the seven of us, through laughter and tears, crowded onto the bed next to her, and it suddenly collapsed, sending her limp body jolting and crashing to the ground. That night, we drank Bloody Marys until the break of dawn.

On the fifth anniversary of my grandmother’s death, my sister and I drove to the graveyard, winding through the rows of headstones, listening to the only radio station we knew, and singing, “Let the bodies hit the floor,” over and over. If my grandmother had known, she would have sent us straight home, after, of course, at least realizing the terrible irony of it all.

Text Messages Saved in My Phone, Volume IV

(Volume I, II, & III)

harassment and STUDS, you mean

maybe I could get in your pants one of these days?

damn ryan always raining on the naked fun parade

sacrifice my ass! no, really, don't.

boobie s to my right

just one more amputee unable to chase his dreams

Omg. Everyone is being lame tonight.

I would crouch down near the grassy knoll and see who really shot JFK

what is elmo anyway? a seal?

oh those boys! with their unlikely charms

are you drunk already?

tell the mister to fuck himself!

when I get my pay check, baby you know

I can't sleep! wanna breeeed

yea right! I am in LUV

is there anything I can do? I'll be your Florence Nightingale

looks like the shallow phil saga will continue...

I just got home to the British invasion!

that is very sweet except that I am not a cat head

We should start saluting each other

do I get a special dance then?

tall and handsome. never forget

someone just blasted a shotgun through our window. BUT I SURVIVED.

imagine wwf hosted at the cheapest motel in town and that's what I'm up to

I vomited on the way to class today. I'm a seven year old college student

the queen has requested your attendance

dude! so much funny shit is happening right now!

margaritas in the sun...we will be so Keith Urban

dramatic text! just kidding. love you lots.

your mom is a good idea. babe.

I'm going to need you to do better and show yourself

p.s. I just tripped over Molly in the dark and knocked the wind out of her

I am all of the above! just you wait and see

not as much as I miss you

"Tanner Lunn" by Tanner Lunn

Tell me what I want to hear
Answer with dieing words, my dear
Never feed me that outdated bologna
Nut on the superstitious killer fonies
Earring in the stitch of my soul
Round the broken thoughts of my rustic pole
Learn nothing and hear the all
Under static light we fall
Now we take a chance
Now we dance.

"Sarah Eias"

Shot a man,
And watched him die.
Ran to China just to hide.
Across the Atlantic, treading water.
Hiked through the Sahara, as it got hotter.
Eloped to the top of Mt. Everest.
Laid blanketed under snow just to rest.
I had to go,
And clear my head.
Should have stayed in bed instead.

Text Messages Saved in My Phone, Volume III

(Volume I & Volume II)

I'm gonna clean up your shit dishes, woman!

Things that amaze you: how I remember the song that was playing as I experienced my first orgasm, the irony that the song was "Oh, Comely"

THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! A REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

It's eighty degrees in Florida. What a mindfuck.

bitches love smiley faces

you look like a dude

my heart! it's breaking!

where'd you go? I wanna Bogart you, if I can

good. you. are. the. best.

what about the boat times?

whoa! He IS badass! next thing you know he's gonna get to second base!

we were all like "That doesn't even make sense. She's drunk and she's not coming back. Aw."

drinking a 40 and thinking of you. Are you missing a key? I mean, two 40's

call me and invite me over

you caught me! I am obsessed with you!

I'm trapped at a railroad crossing! This train is infinite! Oh and I meant I'm waiting on a train to pass not like I'm trapped on the tracks or anything

he tried to convert me and wouldn't let me walk away

priorities, whitey!

Lithuanian sounds really exotic all of a sudden. and don't mistake that for erotic...

we're just singy people I guess

dead to me, bitch

probs eightsies. maybe moresies.

whatever! I do what I want!

the snow was a myth! but I still love you

how sweet of you! go back to dead

whoa that's a lot of dots...are you depressed?

I don't even remember her wearing a boat

I AM that people! 50 percent and proud!

fuck you, man! I'm all alone

pretty much all the black guys. you're a hot commodity among my people.

c ya l8er, sk8er boi